Getting to No

We all know that making friends and developing a great relationship with them is an important part of our health and well-being. In the world ofauthors writing, the friends we cultivate ‘get’ us. They offer support and advice, act as a sounding board, motivate and inspire us. When they offer us the opportunity to really know them, count yourself blessed because you’ve found a treasure.

Exactly one month ago, I read a post by Joel Friedlander, The Book Designer, called The Parable of the Little Book of Stories. It was a lovely, uplifting article relating how Joel offered a friend some assistance in publishing her book of short stories and how…”Sometimes the writer writes the book. Sometimes the book has to escape from the writer to live.”

Please read the article and then scroll down to the comments. My comment prompted the writer of the book to respond to me, which led to emails and a budding friendship. Susan Troccolo is a feisty, sweet, and funny woman who I feel fortunate to consider a friend. It all began with a simple comment on a blog post…and who knows where it will grow?

There are two points I’m trying to make: 1. Reach out to others, take a risk, connect and support other writers, too; 2.  Read Susan’s story, read  Joel’s article and realize that we all have the potential to make a dream come true. And, by the way, you’re going to love Susan’s story:

Getting to No  by Susan Troccolo

It’s about time I would say. Most people have had theirs for a while now. Some people have been trying like the devil to put a lid on theirs. But I had hit the age where I wanted one: a real honest-to-goodness don’t-give-me-any-shit No. I used to have one—but I lost it—and now it’s found. Amazing.

A No is a very personal thing. It tells you when the world, or something in it, has collided with your borders, and you have made the decision to stop it at the gate. Maybe you just want to know what is coming in—you know—have this thing, this person’s idea or opinion, sign immigration papers. Then again, maybe you’re feeling protectionist today, “No, sorry, you’ll have to turn back.” Perhaps you would welcome the new whatever-it-is with open arms, you just want to watch it come through the gate with your eyes wide open.

That is really the sum of it—you want your eyes wide open. As an adult, you would like to think that you know enough to be able to say Yes and No quite easily, but sometimes the gray areas of Life get in the way. There are people’s feelings to consider. There are times when you don’t know what you want, let alone have the clarity to tell other people. Then there are times when you know deep down inside, but you hedge. Why? I wish I knew.

In any event, my No was rusty from lack of use. Puny. Kind of anemic and whiny, like Hugh Grant. It had been kept under wraps during a long period of wanting to be nice all the time, wanting to accommodate. I’m not saying it had completely shriveled up, but it lacked conviction. My No was more like, “Well, I don’t really agree, but it’s all relative.” Or, “Ask so and so what they think.”

Usually, unless something terrible has happened to you, you don’t lose your No overnight. It is a gradual process of accepting things that compromise you, over and over again, until one day you wake up and realize that your No is missing. There is a feeling of emptiness somewhere in your gut. I say that because although you may speak No from your mind and intellect, the real juice behind it comes from your stomach and heart. It comes from knowing yourself and not being afraid to act on what you believe.

A few years ago, I noticed that my No was trying to make a comeback. In little ways, in little moments, my No was spilling out in small, inconsequential Nos, like puffs of steam blowing the lid off of a pressure cooker. Don’t get me wrong; I had spelled out to prospective employers what I would and would not do as part of my job, had engaged in plenty of rousing and noisy arguments with Patrick, had fired painting contractors and run them off our property, but all without fully understanding the real process I was going through—recovering my lost No. I was in danger (without even knowing it) of becoming one of those people who trade a natural equanimity for the sawed-off-shotgun approach to problem resolution. Take Road Rage, for example. Road Rage is someone who has no control over their No.

Sassy

Sassy

In order to tell you the story, you need to know that I have two dogs and that Rufus is my favorite. Sassy is a beauty and a charmer, and the one everybody said we should have bred (if we had been into that kind of thing), but Sassy is just more dog; she is descended from wolves. Rufus is descended from boarding school, where he may have been required to wear a navy blazer and short pants in another life.

Rufus

Rufus

Rufus looks like a Chia pet, a hedgehog maybe. A hedgehog on Rogaine. From the time he was tiny, he started fluffing out and has never stopped. We brush him and brush him, but he has never “blown his coat” as the Sheltie books so confidently discuss. Sometimes the woman from the groomers will call me: “Mrs. Troccolo, can you come and get Rufus now? He is tired; we are tired . . .” her voice trails off wearily. He even has dense little plugs of fur on his face and feet. Yes, Rufus is a rug, a three-dog-night dog all by himself, and especially comforting on cold nights.

Rufus is also a social being. When we go for walks, he stops to relate to everyone on the street. If they are busy, he looks at them earnestly until they give in and give him a scratch. People can’t resist his beautiful face. Oh, did I mention that he’s chubby? A regular sausage despite all our dietary diligence.

Once, when I was about five years old, Mom got really mad at me for something and took me to the bedroom to give me a spanking. According to the story she told me much later, I had been very bratty and obnoxious that day and she was at her wit’s end with me. Anyway, after the spanking, Mom said that I looked up at her with big brown eyes filled with tears and said, “You spanked me because you love me, didn’t you Mommie?” Mom said she had to leave the room quickly so I wouldn’t see her cry.

That story reminds me of what it’s like to discipline Rufus. He wants to believe everything must be for his own good, and for some reason right now just isn’t a happy time. Visits to the vet are the worst. Rufus won’t tell you something hurts, no matter what. He reasons that his hurt must be okay because you love him, right? After all, you are there with him, right Mommie?

So when those two German Shepherds attacked my Rufus on the street that day—they pissed off the wrong mommie.

It took all of us by surprise. One second we were walking in our usual neighborhood—Sassy on her leash running out ahead and Rufus walking by my side—when in a flash two colossal German Shepherds darted out an open front door, crossed the street with their backs up and their teeth bared, and went for Rufus.

I particularly like those scenes in action movies where the camera is filming in slow motion and everything seems more intense. In those moments, time seems to stand still. We see the things that trigger our impulses. On that day, I saw the look in those dogs’ eyes. I saw how out of control they were and how small Rufus looked. I knew how hard it would be to stop two of them. But then, just as suddenly as those dogs lunged away from their owner, my No lunged out of me, and it was something to behold! Coming out of me like a lion’s roar—the Big No. No! You won’t come near me. No! You won’t hurt my dog. No! You back off. No! I’ll break your goddamn neck. Nooooo! And Noooo again! I was lunging at those dogs like a crazy person, bellowing and roaring No! from deep in my chest, from my gut, from my pelvis and genitals and legs down to my feet and through all my toes. A No! that rattled and tingled through my spine, that filled me up like a balloon and let loose. A No! to blow leaves across the yard and scatter papers—a real ass-kicking, do-not-give-me-any-shit, No! A No to end all puny Nos and the memory of all puny Nos.

Well. Those poor dogs took off across the street whimpering, their tails low and their heads down. Bad dogs. They returned to their master, who was not happy. He had merely opened his front door, preparing to take his dogs for their walk, when suddenly, on his own front porch, he was thrust into an adrenaline response.

“Put your damn dog on a leash!” he yelled. “If you had your dog on a leash, this wouldn’t have happened.”

“Hey Buddy,” I yelled back, “it wasn’t my dog who crossed the street. Your dogs attacked my dog! Jesus Christ.”

Silence. Heavy breathing from dogs and people. Nobody moving. My heart was pounding so loud in my chest I could hardly hear. I put my hand on Rufus’s head; he was shaking. The man with the Shepherds looked down and bit his lip.

“Okay,” he said. “Okay. Jeez, I hate it when things like this happen.”

Suddenly, I felt sorry for the guy. “Look, I’m sorry I took your head off. I really didn’t know what your dogs were going to do. Can you understand that?”

“Yeah. I’m sorry, too. They got away from me. They . . . we need to work more together.”

“Okay. Listen,” I said, “do you want to go on ahead of us now?”

“No . . . no. I have some things to do now. With them. You go ahead.”

It took me a very long time to calm down—almost forty-five minutes, which is the rest of our usual walk. Rufus and Sassy kept looking up at me. They seemed to be glad I was in their pack. Their own Alpha Mama with the Big No. I know it sounds funny, but I could swear they were proud.

As for me, I’m just glad to haveXena Warrior Princess my No back, even if she is a little full of herself at the moment. She is Xena, Warrior Princess; she is Tina dissing Ike; she is Hepburn to Tracy, Bacall to Bogart. She scans the latest Parks and Recreation brochure for kick boxing classes. She may have overreacted to those German Shepherds—or maybe not. But sometimes one magnificent moment of rage that doesn’t hurt anybody can really clean out the pipes.

I’m not going to curb my No just yet. It has been bottled up for quite a while and I’m sure it will settle down in time. Besides, it feels great having a No. It gives me a Yes. A real, whole-hearted, from-the-core, you betcha Yes. A No, a Yes—and all the things in between. Choices to be made and eyes wide open to make them—now that’s what I want.

Did you ever have to go looking for your No? If so, please tell us how you found it. If not, how do you keep it from disappearing?

Susan TroccoloSusan Troccolo retired from the business world and is now a community volunteer, gardener, writer, and bluegrass guitar player. She lives with Patrick, her husband of thirty-five years and Fly, the “Grace Kelly of Border Collies” in Portland, Oregon. Susan is the author of “Growing Down Stories”, personal essays of living life with humor and grace. She has several essays in the “Chocolate for a Woman’s Soul” series (Simon and Schuster), work in VoiceCatcher and the Portland Women’s Journal. She loves blogging, especially humor pieces, at Culinate.com (First Person and Our Table) and at Lighthearted Travel.com. Susan is a survivor of cancer, once in 1992 and again in 2008, experiences which have informed her life and her work.

You can find some of Susan’s stories at the following links:

Open To Hope

Culinate – The Beet Goes On

Culinate – When Oeuf is Enuf

Lighthearted Travel – There is No Fear in Lighthearted

Susan will stop in to chat so, please give her some comment love!

Come back on Monday for the last of Spooky October posts! November is Talking Turkey!

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22 thoughts on “Getting to No

  1. Pingback: Sweet Obsessions – Holiday Foods – Part 1 | Marcia Richards' Blog

  2. Great post! Thanks for sharing it with us. It’s hard to say “No” sometimes. I think women especially get caught in a guilt cycle. We feel like we have to do and be everything to everyone. We just can’t do it. We have to be able to claim that “No” or we lose who we are.

  3. I can see exactly why you two budded a friendship. You are two very witty, eloquent, and SMART writers! Great minds think alike. And ANYONE who uses Xena Warrior Princess to illustrate a point is awesome in my book.

  4. Wow, this post has sure given me much to think about. I hadn’t really thought if I’d lost my No, but darned if I have. I don’t know where it went and I hope I find it before a traumatic event like Susan experienced.

    Marcia – you are such an amazingly supportive writer. Your blogs that spotlight other authors are exceptional. You’re definitely storing up good writer karma! An inspiration to us all.

    • Aww, thanks, Tameri. Helping each other in any way we can seems to be a kind of pact women are born with. The word ‘tribe’ is thrown around a lot, but that’s how I think of women…we all belong to the same tribe or clan and we should be all for one and one for all, like the Three Musketeers. If Karma bestows some goodness on me, I’m ready to accept it. 🙂
      Need some help finding your No? We can send over a team to help you.

  5. I had lost my No by the time I had full-time day job, a house to manage, a husband, and two little children. I didn’t want to be perceived as ungiving, witchy, or as an over-reactor. Luckily, I recovered my No upon my littler one’s autism diagnosis. There was a tipping point where I realized I had to give more attention to his needs and early intervention than to others’ expectations of me.

    My NO came back strong and fervent, because like Susan, I was doing it on behalf of my baby who couldn’t speak up for himself. I said NO to over-volunteering, to extra work on the day job, to anything that didn’t meet my standards of opportunity-cost.

    Thanks for sharing Susan’s story with us, Marcia. I feel less guilty about recovering my NO!! I understand why, when I say YES, that I feel so enthusiastic about it. 🙂

    • Hi Jolyse, Thanks for this comment. It’s so clear that, as women, we really ‘get’ this subject. What I especially appreciate is that you feel the wholehearted YES that comes as a side benefit of having a real NO. I felt the same way. It seemed my whole self became more authentic as a result.

      Thanks again, Susie

  6. It’s hard for women not to lose their “No.” If you say it too much–and mean it–people might think you are a b*tch. For some reason, being considered a b*tch is worse than being considered a pushover. I find as I get older, no gets easier. I think it came in with the gray hairs and the crow’s feet. I’ve come to realize life is short. If I am a b*tch for saying no, then so be it. 😀

    Loved this blog, by the way.

    • “For some reason, being considered a b*tch is worse than being considered a pushover” –What a great point, Catie. I think it happens to most of us. Then we hit a certain age or particular circumstance and our No comes roaring to life again. So glad you came by today!

  7. I kept my ‘NO’ on the shelf for a number of years. It was just easier that way. But I’ve had to take it down and dust it off because not using it was taking it’s toll on my health. I guess you could say we’re getting reacquainted now. My family & close friends are a little surprised by this but for the most part, they ‘get it.’ Thanks for a great blog. I think we all need to be reminded that ‘NO’ is a necessity for a healthy & happy life.

    • I’m glad you got it off the shelf before the lack of it did you any serious damage. We get in the rhythm of doing for everybody else and put our needs aside. That’s definitely not healthy. Hang onto it now!

  8. Hi Donna, I like your thought that we are raised almost to lose our no. I think that is very true. And yet, it is so important for younger women to know they can have a no as part of their self-respect. I find that my no is very nuanced now, I can make it loud, soft, velvet-gloved yet leaving no doubts, if you know what I mean. That is what I have worked hard for and I’m gonna own it!

    Susie

  9. Well ladies that was one powerful post. I think at least once in every woman’s lifetime we lose our No. We are raised almost to lose it. But once we realize what is happening and we reclaim it we rarely let it go again. Have I lost my No? Yes I did for quite a long time. Once I got it back my life changed and keeps getting better. I continue to bring it out and use it so I never let it get rusty again. Sometimes I feel like B^+CH, but then I realize it is important for that emotion, that thought, that action to come forward in a loud NO.

    • You’re absolutely right, Donna. Keep it polished up. You never know when you might need it. If you use it when necessary, who cares what others think of us? We are women – hear us roar!

  10. Hey Marcia, Good Morning from Portland, Oregon–just a tad earlier than your time and your great post. Thanks so much! The pictures of the dogs sure look great, I still miss Rufus so much. I’m facilitating a class all day today and then I’ll look forward to ‘chatting.’ Thanks again! Looks great.

      • Susie, thank you, my friend, for allowing me to adorn my page with your wonderful story. It’s powerful, meaningful and beautifully written. I look forward to all your future work.

I love it when you tell me what you think!

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